News

Tapes offer glimpse into mind of a batterer: Guest Column by Kim Thomas

(As published in The Sun Chronicle and The Taunton Daily Gazette)

With new audiotapes emerging nearly every day providing glimpses into Mel Gibson's alleged abuse of his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, each new airing seems to paint a more horrifying picture than the day before. Edited or unedited, admissible or not admissible, taped with or without consent, make no mistake - the excerpts we have heard on these tapes are abuse, pure and simple.

Although disturbing, even gut-wrenching, to listen to, these tapes provide a real-world view into the mind, mouth and actions of a batterer. Perhaps all-too-realistic for many of us, they clearly illustrate the emotional, physical, sexual and psychological abuse that batterers inflict on their victims. If we hadn't been told this was the voice of Mel Gibson, those of us in the domestic violence field might think we were listening to one of our training videos.

These audio tapes reveal many typical behaviors and patterns of abuse: the rage, the verbal assaults and put-downs, the attempt to exert power and control over the victim, an expectation of sexual servitude, and victim blaming - indicating that anything that happened or will happen is all the victim's fault. In them, we hear the rants, the vulgarities, the threats, an apparent acknowledgement of physical abuse, and we experience secondhand Gibson spinning out of control - a ticking timebomb about to explode. We hear the all-too-common salvos that batterers spew in their rage: "You [expletive] deserved it!" "This is my house!" "You need a [expletive] bat in the side of the head!" "I deserve to be [served sexually]." "I own you!" "You made me this way!"

The disturbing truth is that batterers believe these things, and the even sadder thing is that their victims come to believe them too.

Domestic violence is a systematic pattern of abuse in which the abuser exerts power and control over his or her victim. It often begins with verbal put-downs, and can include or escalate to threats, sexual, financial and physical abuse. That's the bad news. The good news is, since domestic violence is a learned behavior, it can also be unlearned. Not easily, we admit, but batterers can and must take responsibility for their abuse. Batterer's Intervention programs, unlike much shorter and less-effective anger management programs, are designed to challenge the very belief systems that lead to the violence in the first place. Batterer's Intervention, such as New Hope's RESPECT program, deconstruct gender roles and create a culture of responsibility for one's actions and beliefs. Its ultimate goal is preventing future abuse and creating safety for batterers' current and future partners.

For those of us naïve enough to think we won't ever be affected by domestic violence, think again. Domestic violence is reported to affect one in every four women in her lifetime, according to a National Violence Against Women Survey (2000), and an equal number of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals are abused by a partner at some point in their lives.

Domestic violence knows no boundaries of gender, race, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. With statistics and facts like these, it's safe to assume we all know someone affected by domestic violence, but because of the shame and secrecy often associated with it, we may not ever know it.

It's hard to think that someone as charismatic and charming as Gibson, who played beloved characters like William Wallace in Braveheart or a do-good cop in Lethal Weapon, or anyone else we know for that matter, could be a batterer. It's perhaps even more challenging for survivors and batterers to recognize that the repeated patterns of insults and injuries they experience in their own lives are various forms of domestic violence. The value of these tapes is that they have forced a dialogue about the harsh reality of domestic violence and may help survivors and abusers identify with what they are hearing, and get help.

If guilty of these allegations, we hope Mr. Gibson takes individual responsibility for his actions and is held accountable by the courts and society. And despite the myriad of possible circumstances under which these tapes may have been recorded and released, ironically, the very vehicle that appears to expose Oksana Grigorieva's life being placed in jeopardy may be just the medium to shed a spotlight on domestic violence, and perhaps save other survivors in the process.

If what you have heard in the Gibson tapes or in this article have happened either by you or to you, you are not alone. Help is available. New Hope offers a 24-hour, toll-free hotline for survivors, witnesses or anyone concerned about someone they believe is in an abusive relationship (1-800-323-HOPE (4673)). Batterer's intervention is available by calling our RESPECT line (877-222-0083). KIMBERLY THOMAS is executive director and president of New Hope Inc., Attleboro.

Cycle of Violence Must End: Guest Column by Kim Thomas

(As published in The Sun Chronicle, Saturday, August 15, 2009)

Recent headlines have drawn attention to an unfortunate reality: that violence within families and intimate relationships exists in our community.

This is not just an unfortunate reality it is an uncomfortable one as well. For many years, intimate partner violence was something that society labeled a “private issue.” Domestic violence was rarely talked about outside of the household, never mind in the local newspaper.

We can no longer ignore the staggering statistics that indicate that domestic violence is happening all around us.

Intimate partner violence has many forms and can occur in any relationship regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status. Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence, reports that 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime and 1 in 4 Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) people are battered by a partner at some point in their life*.

Recent economic difficulties and their related social stresses have had an impact on this issue as well. New Hope and our partner agencies have noticed a significant increase in demand for our services. SAFELINK, the state-wide domestic violence hotline in Massachusetts, received almost the same amount of calls in the first six months of fiscal year 2009 as it did in the entire fiscal year of 2006 (9,781 calls vs. 10,234 calls in FY2006).

Statistics like these and the headlines mentioned above can no longer be ignored or passed off as a “private issue.”

For thirty years, New Hope has worked to ensure survivors of domestic and sexual violence and their families in our communities had resources available to them. New Hope offers free services to survivors of all backgrounds, genders and ages; we reach out to our community to increase awareness and educate the public; and we provide a batterer intervention program for individuals who abuse their partners. We envision a community where individuals can live safely in strong, healthy relationships.

This comprehensive approach strives to end the cycle of violence that keeps individuals living in fear and uncertainty, and instead empowers them to live lives of safety, recovery and growth.

We can make this a reality through our continued efforts to reach out to survivors, and by recognizing that domestic and sexual violence is a community issue that requires the action of family, friends and community members alike. As advocates for survivors in our community we must take a stand against stereotypes and victim-blaming behavior and remember that there is no excuse for abuse.

There are resources available; New Hope is here to help.

If you or someone you know are in an abusive relationship please call our hotline: 1-800-323-HOPE (4673). You can call for yourself or someone you know to ask for support services or just to learn more about domestic violence and sexual assault. For a full listing of New Hope 's services, please visit our website: www.new-hope.org .

*The original publication of this article misstated this statistic, the correct statistic related to GLBT survivors is 1 in 4 (not 1 in 3 as was originally published).